How to Fix an Addicted and Codependent Relationship | Willingway
But it isn't just an issue for people involved with addicts. “You've put yourself in a certain role in a relationship, and then when you've had enough, you're stuck. Boundary Issues and Codependency as a confidante to discuss your parents' relationship or personal problems, or as an ally against your other parent. Learn more about codependency and relationships at Mental Health America online. Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change; Problems with intimacy/ boundaries.
Codependency is often seen in people with borderline personality disorder BPDalthough this does not mean all people with codependency issues also meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD. You quietly take on extra responsibilities around the house or in parenting your children because your partner is always under the influence. You risk your own financial future by loaning money to your partner to cover debts incurred from substance abuse.
Addiction impairs judgement and critical thinking skills. This makes it very difficult for someone with a substance use disorder to see that he or she needs help. When you go out of your way to prevent your partner from experiencing the consequences of substance abuse, you make it less likely that he or she will acknowledge that a problem exists.
Symptoms of Codependency
Loving someone with a substance use disorder can also cause your codependent tendencies to spiral out of control. This creates a vicious cycle that traps both of you in a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Healing from Codependency The good news is that codependency is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned. If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, you need to heal yourself first and foremost.
Some healthy steps to healing your relationship from codependency include: Start being honest with yourself and your partner. Doing things that we do not want to do not only wastes our time and energy, but it also brings on resentments.
Saying things that we do not mean only hurts us, because we then are living a lie. Be honest in your communication and in expressing your needs and desires. Catch yourself when you begin to think negatively. If you begin to think that you deserve to be treated badly, catch yourself and change your thoughts. Be positive and have higher expectations.
It takes a lot of work for a codependent person not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship.
Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is the first step. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It is healthy to have friendships outside of your partnership. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging. From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types.
Or as I like to call them: Both often push away secure-attachment types. For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life rather than others. Both start the process of building self-esteem.
The Importance of Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
Both begin to eliminate needy behavior and make one more attractive. I state in my book that needy behavior makes you unattractive to most people by limiting you to people of a similar level of neediness; i. If you end up only attracting low self-esteem slobs, then you are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself.
- How to Fix an Addicted and Codependent Relationship
- The Guide to Strong Boundaries
If you only attract high maintenance drama queens, then you are likely a high maintenance drama queen yourself. Oh, you queen, you. Personal boundaries, while particularly crucial in intimate relationships, also highly influence our friendships, family relationships and even professional relationships. It was important that the correct numbers were submitted.
You made me look like an asshole. Yes, even friendships can be needy and unattractive. Chances are they have some serious boundary issues like the one above.
Friendships like this are never-ending drama factories. I get very lonely, you know. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my children. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how hard it can be sometimes. But you are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the only solution to all of your problems. Where guilt is useless and harmful is when it is used as a tool to manipulate those close to you.
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
Symptoms of Codependency
Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.
Codependents also deny their feelings and needs.
The same thing goes for their needs. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone.
The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depressionhopelessness, and despair.